Wednesday, December 12, 2012

#497. Christmas Blogathon of Doom!!! (Part 2)

I'm sorry to inform you that Christmas has been cancelled.  It has been cancelled, however, for a good cause, because today is the end of the world.

We know that it is the end of the world because the Mayan calender told us so.  This is a calendar worth paying attention to as it has been around for seven thousand years.  If you had a pair of pants that had been around for seven thousand years you'd take it seriously, too.  Also, you should probably wash it again, just for good measure, before wearing it.

As it's the end of the world you should probably exchange presents today. Give them all away.  Give everything away, because the few people who will really appreciate it and are therefore proven dumb will no longer be able to bother you, much like that really old pair of pants, which you have finally been able to get rid of.

Kiss everyone and everything.  Seriously.  Kiss everyone you meet and everything you see.  It no longer matters if you look crazy, which is the same reason those dumb friends are accepting all your things, including the ancient pants.  It's your last chance to express love, so you might as well embrace it.  You have no doubt squandered most of the other opportunities you've ever had, including that time the creepy bus driver accidentally patted you on the shoulder rather than the empty spot next to you in his attempt to corral other kids quickly into seats in the morning.  He was only looking for love, you idiot!  And what did you do?  It's best not to speculate now.  You are a rotten individual.  You need good karma, because it's the end of the world and it's not looking good for you in what follows.

Speaking of which, you might as well start thinking about that, too, because this is more of what you've been squandering, your own future, which admittedly at the moment looks bleak but in fact is filled with unspeakable wonder, which you know because most ghosts can barely speak and that's proof enough.  They're really good at knocking things over.  You should start practicing that, too.

You have no time to lose!  The world is coming to an end!  This is bad because the world is what you live on.  Without it you would be expected to float in space, and everyone knows only alpacas can do that, but in very specific circumstances, and they don't accept passengers.

Consequently, the end of the world, just to summarize, means that you will be dead.  You can scrap that will, because everyone else will be too.  Now is not the time to become depressed, either, because it's not as if the Mayans didn't warn us.

Also, it may actually be 12/21/12 when this occurs.

Cheers!

The good news is that in your few remaining hours my book, Monorama, is free today, so the entertainment is cheap.  It will also be free in the sense that if you're up to it watching everything end will be quite amusing.

Not that it will matter, but this blogathon is scheduled to continue after today:


7 comments:

MOCK! said...

Bwah-ha-ha-ha! Several of my students were arguing last week about the "real" end of the world date. They all agreed to make the most "epic" wish ever at 12:12:12 today....I didn't have the heart to explain the concept of military time to them.

Read chapter one of Monorama last night...I am eager to get back to it...

MOCK! said...

Wait...my students are right!!! I was not even thinking so early this morning!!

PT Dilloway, Superhero Author said...

12/12/12 is only meaningful to those of us on the Roman calendar. The Jews and Chinese are probably just shrugging and saying What's the big deal?

Anyway amidst all this Mayan calendar stuff I read an article last night about a huge asteroid passing within 4 million miles of Earth today or so. A scary coincidence I think. If that asteroid gets bumped a teensy bit off course--KaBOOM! we go the way of the dinosaurs.

Tony Laplume said...

Why were you busy making comments on this blog at the end of the world?!??

Oh, flattered I guess...

Spacerguy said...

Yes but then theres the massive gravity of our sun with our large moon, rotating and protecting our happy little blue ball of beings.

Christmas comes only once a year. Its Time to live be merry, give and forgive, Woo Hoo!

Andrew Leon said...

Well, bah, I missed the free day.

I think that asteroid was a lot closer than that. The thing on NPR about it said that it passed between the Earth and the Moon.

Maybe I should go look up how far away the Moon is...

Tony Laplume said...

We get a second shot at doomsday this Friday!!!

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